Things in my head

To love someone you don’t even know? As in you fall for someone and you lose touch for years on end… is it normal to feel as if those feelings never truly went away, and you start to feel remnants of them in every conversation with this blast from the past?

It is for me.

I think I am finding myself slowly falling back in love with the one person who single-handedly and inadvertently ruined the past eight years of my life. They called me their best-friend, and yet again I find myself being kept up late at night trying to figure out if “we” could possibly be right. I thought that long ago I had buried these emotions; which all those years ago left me forever shaken, and plunged me into this immense morosity. These emotions which all those years ago made me euphoric beyond compare. These emotions which I tried to turn into malice and spite only to realize that four years was not enough time for me to not feel these things… the moment I saw her for the first time three years ago… Everything came back to me. Images of her and me simply being. The phrase; which I never allowed myself to utter after the initial and repeated rejection, “I want for nothing, but you” seems to be glued to the forefront of my mind and I cannot seem to remind myself that she was and still could be the end of me. I never knew that someone with the utterance of a single word could take my world, turn it upside down, dim the sun, and make me feel as if my life is no longer worth living.

Thinking about it now I only thought I was able to love those few others, but no one came close to the power she had, and apparently still does hold over me. 

and i’m high as a kite

sefem asked: Hey Ray :D Love the blog. Thanks for the follow.

 no no… thank you for the follow :D

sames to yours. i shall be skimming through it laters lol :D have a wonderful evening

Why is it that every morning I wake up with this feeling like I’m not worth anyone’s time.

I spend hour after hour trying to build myself up by putting on this cheery facade and smiling like I have never smiled before,

But whenever my bedroom door closes I’m submerged in thoughts so cold and they cut so damned deep that I am left going down with my Titanic ego

Which I rip to shreds before I go to bed only to wake up in the morning to piece whatever I can find back together again

I’ve got paper thin pride, and my self esteem rests at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

I no longer cry myself to sleep because I’ve abandoned the hope that one day I would dawn armor so shiny that my insecurities can no longer stab at me.

I realized there aren’t dragons to be fought out there to save a princess.

There are only demons inside me which have my soul, so I’m left this barren empty vessel clinging to the remnants of love.

Every now and then I can feel my sanity slipping away.

I can feel myself becoming that which I once feared but have come to admire;

A being without feelings.

Every single time I feel myself stepping towards the void which will store my emotions in a jar alongside my abyssal self esteem

Far away so that no one can touch it or hurt it in any way

Every day that this dilemma occurs I think of her

This ephemeral and radiant being which I keep on seeing when I close my eyes

And I deny my demons their victory.

I shine with the hope that this piece of love that I’m clinging onto in this ocean of insecurity will wash me onto the sandy shores of my paradise here on earth;

Your arms, where I will dwell with leprechauns and unicorns because then I would know that dreams and fantasies can be made real.

Every night after I’m left cut up and bare I think of the love that could be shared

And I walk through my days searching out your mesmerizing gaze